Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
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If I was in StarWars I would probably just be that guy that keeps turning his lightsaber on and off and on and off like a pen.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Outkast: Ok now ladies!
OK: I wanna see y’all on your baddest behavior!
Me: *slowly incurs $18.37 in overdue library fees*
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.