the pigeons are already plenty salty
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This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Everything reminds me of my ex
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”