the pigeons are already plenty salty
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Pretty much. 🤣
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO