The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
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Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
The cashier just checked me out.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.