The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
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Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I can’t deal with men any longer
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.