Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

The name Ella is short for Mozzarella

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation