The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
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sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes