Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

my professor scared me for a second

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.