Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in