The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
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I ate everything, including the H.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
technically true but not a great slogan
Ok but actually
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!