The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

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Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even


All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.


I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!


1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.


ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*


[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]


Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.


My son found a SEVEN leaf clover on the neighbor’s back porch! I don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s really a marijuana leaf.