[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
me: IN AZKABAN
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
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It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
me: he died of natural causes
cop: you pushed him off the roof
me: gravity’s natural
Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.
“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”