@blade_funner

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

You Might Also Like

@mostlysharks

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural

@myles_morrison

Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.

@dumbbeezie

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

@Browtweaten

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

@ambamthankyamam

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

@UncleDuke1969

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

@Reverend_Scott

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

@bourgeoisalien

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”