Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie