Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

Happy Taco Tuesday

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…