Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
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Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
(Gaming support cat.)
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I wish I could veto my bills.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.