Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.