Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.