The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
#FunnyLife Insects
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet