The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Cool shirt 🙂
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”