Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

*lint rolls you awake*

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*