Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.