Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

see next tweet for some translations

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.