The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
You Might Also Like
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
I created you as mosquito food.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.