The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
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Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
“Why you watching this shit?”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos