Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation