Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

scared to check what name she chose

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.