The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
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Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?