The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
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If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.