The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
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It’s a gift
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
This will never not be funny to me.
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.