The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie