The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
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[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
good news everyone
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?