The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
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So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)