The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
