The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
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*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
sistine chapel
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.