The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
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It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.