The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
You Might Also Like
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?