The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I support this random dude and all his protests
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next