The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
You Might Also Like
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.