The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
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Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*