Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

Carpe DM

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.