The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
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No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Smile they said.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer