the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
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[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
mom had nothing to worry about
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Some people were born into their job.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”