the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
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Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.