the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
pictures of spider-man
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?