Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel