The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
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Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
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Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.