The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
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The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I beg your pardon?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I am HOWLING at this
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Truly one of the great bangers
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
me after eating Cheetos
