The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
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Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”