“THE PLATYPUS HERE TASTES LIKE SHIT! DO NOT ORDER IT!” I shout in the face of a confused and frightened old lady at the zoo.

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[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine


Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years


The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.


Me: “I feel like I’m 90 years old.”
My Skin: “Let’s go through puberty again.”


No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.


Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer


[Miss America]
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before


cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon


Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.