My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
You Might Also Like
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Me if I was a dog
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.