[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
“THE PLATYPUS HERE TASTES LIKE SHIT! DO NOT ORDER IT!” I shout in the face of a confused and frightened old lady at the zoo.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me: “I feel like I’m 90 years old.”
My Skin: “Let’s go through puberty again.”
No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.