The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
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If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
The Struggle
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Life with a cat in one tweet