The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.