The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
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{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Me sliding into hell like
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
This raises questions
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
#parenting
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.