The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
You Might Also Like
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Hit me in the face with a bird
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep