The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
