The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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Oh, I bet you would be
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do