The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
had to make it
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I feel it