@desukidesu

the plot of inception is literally just

wake me up (wake me up inside)

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@InternetHippo

A witch cursed Tom Brady to win football games until he dies. All he wants is a quiet life with his family but every Sunday he blacks out like a werewolf and commits unspoken evils on the field

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

@donni

*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam

@PetrickSara

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

@TheTweetOfGod

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

@rosecoloredeboy

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

@shitshowdotinfo

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

@CArmanthegirl

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow