EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.