The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
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Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas