The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system