The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Carpe DM
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.