The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
🤣😂🤣
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.