@beefman138

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

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@krissywillbretz

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

@hardlyrelevant

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

@urmumsausername

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

@JazzTrombonist

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

@joshgondelman

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

@XplodingUnicorn

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

@CroweJam

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

@bader_diedrich

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Women freeze their eggs until they are ready to be a mom?

Can I freeze my two year old until I’m ready?