Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

All. The. Damn. Time.

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

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