The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
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“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I think this might be relevant today.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?