Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

Miscakes

Peppa pig = spicy bacon