Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?