The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
You Might Also Like
If looks could kill
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”