Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
no their not
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.