The point of your 20s
You Might Also Like
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it