The point of your 20s
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Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Note to self: I am a note
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
bad news gang
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.