The point of your 20s
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How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I mean…but I did
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.