The pointless tidy up before a play date.
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I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
SQUARREL
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse