The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
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Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
respect
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
they really do be looking like this
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
i was dropped as an adult
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine