The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
You Might Also Like
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
What?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah