The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
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IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON鈥橳 GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Me: I said you can鈥檛 eat candy.
4-year-old: I鈥檓 not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I鈥檓 just storing it in my cheeks for later.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it鈥檚 easier to make burgers out of it.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they鈥檙e hilarious.馃槀
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My kids acting shocked there鈥檚 ants in my car like they鈥檙e not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Y鈥檃ll realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!