The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
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The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Thursday Thought.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.