The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
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[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.