Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

My blood type is b hungry.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

They’re on their honeymoon

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc