The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
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Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.